They Said That, and Then I…
This is the third article in my series about what you can do when someone says something inappropriate in a public space.
We’ve all been there – a coworker, friend or family-member says something rude or disrespectful in front of others. There’s an uncomfortable pause and then the conversation moves on. Sadly, sometimes people become offended and things turn ugly.
No matter what happens, most of us are left thinking that that shouldn’t be the end of it. Many of us think that someone needs to give the offender feedback and make sure that they don’t say things like that again.
If you’ve decided to be that someone because you have the authority or the willingness or both, then here’s how you may be able to do this successfully. *
First, PAUSE before saying anything.
Ask yourself: is this the kind of comment – like hate speech or misogyny or bigotry – that must be addressed right now, or can it be left for a private conversation later?
In Public
If it’s extremely rude, crude, bigoted, or hateful talk, you may need to call it out right then and there, in front of everyone. To do this and minimize the risk of escalation, you’ll need to focus on the language and avoid directly attacking the offender.
Here’s are some things you might say…
– “Hold on a second. That kind of language isn’t acceptable here, period. It needs to stop immediately, and we need to move on.“
– “That kind of talk is inappropriate and disrespectful. We’re not saying it and we’re moving on to another topic.”
– “Excuse me, stuff like that is totally inappropriate. We’re going to change the topic right now.”
Once you’ve said something, in order to prevent further upset, you may need to pick the new topic yourself, steering the discussion toward less loaded ground.
Offline
When addressing someone’s language or behavior “offline,” and away from the group, your goal is to give them feedback in a way that they can hear it and take action on it without becoming overly defensive or reactive or deciding to attack you back. It’s helpful to do this soon (within a few days) after the initial incident as it will still be fresh in their minds.
There are many ways of doing this. At CRL, our process for giving this kind of feedback is called ODP – Obtain Openness / Decrease Defensiveness / Promote Possibility while at the same time using the SBI-R (Situation, Behavior, Impact – Request) Technique developed by the Center for Creative Leadership.
Obtain Openness
To obtain openness with someone, it’s best to ask questions…
- “Would you be willing to talk about what happened recently?”
- “Would you be open to feedback about what happened recently?”
- “I was trying to understand what you were thinking when you said those things (you may have to paraphrase, respectfully) the other day? Can you explain your thinking to me?”
Psychologically, by obtaining openness, you’re asking their permission to have the discussion, rather than forcing the feedback on them. This helps them to feel like they have more control in the discussion, aren’t being attacked and are less likely to be defensive.
Impact
Once they’ve indicated they’re willing to talk about what happened, you can focus on the Impact of their language/behavior on you, others and even them…
- “That kind of talk is very offensive and upsetting to me.”
- “I think most reasonable people would be offended by that kind of talk.”
- “When people talk like that, they alienate others who may not want to have anything to do with them after that.”
Decrease Defensiveness
At some point during this feedback session they’re likely to become defensive, it’s only natural. To decrease their defensiveness, there are any number of things you might say, for example…
- “I don’t think you were trying to offend people; I think you weren’t thinking about how what you said might land with me and/or others.”
- “I/we respect you for (something you actually do respect them for), and I’m/we’re surprised to hear stuff like that from you.”
- “If I said something offensive, I sure hope you’d give me a heads up about it.”
- “Hey, we all sometimes open our mouths without thinking about how it might land with other people, I’m guilty of that too.”
- “I think you’re a reasonable person and that you’re willing to own how you might have offended others.”
Promote Possibilities
If you’ve been successful in keeping their defensiveness to a minimum, they may be open to doing things differently going forward. You’ll want to encourage this and could say things like…
- “Next time you want to say something like that, do you think you could take a deep breath and think about it before you do?”
- “I can tell you don’t want to say that again. Good for you. What else could you do or say that others would feel is more respectful?”
- “I’m sure you agree that keeping things respectful is good for the team/group/family. Can you think of other ways to speak your mind that might not generate negative reactions?”
Making a Request
When it comes to making a request for the future, always frame it in terms of what language is going to stop and what will replace it, i.e. …
– “So, I’d like to ask that you avoid that kind of language and replace it with something we all agree on, such as, ‘I think we can all agree that this is a loaded topic.’ “
– “Instead of saying something like what you said, could you take a deep breath and figure out a way to say it that won’t be offensive?”
Conclusion
Sadly, people say offensive things all of the time, usually without thinking (unless they’re deliberately trying to be disrespectful and in that case, what I’ve suggested here may be of no help at all).
Sometimes we feel that we simply have to do something about it, either in the moment or shortly afterward. Whatever you do or say, you’ll want to stay as calm and as respectful as possible throughout. Losing your temper or disrespecting them is only going to make matters worse. As my mother used to say, “two wrongs don’t make a right.”
* NOTE: this article covers possible options for actions you can take and are not to be considered as legal advice or recommendations. I, nor CRL is responsible for any outcomes from the use of any of the above. Always consult with your legal counsel or other qualified professionals when considering actions or language in response to inappropriate, disrespectful, and hateful language and/or behavior.
