Has Disrespect Won?
This article is adapted from a guest sermon I delivered at Summit Unitarian Universalist Fellowship in Santee, CA on January 11, 2026
Before I begin, I need to acknowledge something weighing heavily on my heart. In light of the killing of Renee Good by an ICE agent in Minneapolis recently, my topic—”Has Disrespect Won?”—feels almost inadequate, like it’s not appropriate for the moment.
It now seems that we as a society have moved beyond disrespect into something graver altogether.
And yet, perhaps understanding disrespect is exactly what we need right now—it’s the soil in which greater harms take root. So, while this topic may feel insufficient to the moment, it may help us understand how we got here.
So, has disrespect won?
It’s a stark question, I know. But look around. Turn on the news. Scroll through social media for five minutes. Listen to how people talk to each other in public spaces, in our politics, even in our communities. It’s hard not to wonder if something fundamental has shifted in how we treat one another.
Today, I want to explore this question with you. Not to depress us or make us feel hopeless, but to understand what’s happening, why it matters, and most importantly—what we can do about it.
What Are We Really Talking About?
Let me start by defining what we’re actually talking about. What is respect? What is disrespect? Why do they matter?
At my organization, The Center for Respectful Leadership, we define respect as… giving others—regardless of their status, rank, or position—the kind of sincere, genuine regard and consideration that we want them to give us, and—and this is the key—doing so in ways that they prefer.
It’s the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” and the Platinum Rule, “do unto others as they would have you do unto them” combined and working together.
Being respectful isn’t complicated. It’s about common courtesy. It’s saying, “good morning” and meaning it. It’s making appropriate eye contact when someone speaks to you. It’s listening without interrupting. It’s considering another’s point of view genuinely. It’s holding the door for anyone. It’s saying “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me” from the heart. It’s treating the janitor with the same dignity and civility that you’d show the CEO, and it’s about admitting it when we do or say something wrong, hurtful, or disrespectful, and apologizing without making excuses.
And disrespect? Well, disrespect is the opposite. It’s interrupting, ignoring, demeaning, dismissing. It’s the eye roll. The sarcastic tone. The cutting remark. The refusal to admit we’re being disrespectful. It’s yelling, name-calling, mocking. It’s treating people as if they don’t matter or that they are somehow less than human.
I believe most of us know disrespect when we see it. As Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart once said about obscenity, we “know it when we see it.” And right now, we’re seeing a lot of it.
The Data Confirms What We Already Know
Let me share some numbers with you, because this isn’t just about feelings or perceptions. The data confirms what many of us sense in our bones. According to recent reputable, non-partisan surveys on civility and respect in the United States:
- 65% of Americans believe people are less respectful and courteous than they were 20 years ago—this is according to a 2023 Pew Research study.
- Also in 2023, the Anti-Defamation League reported that antisemitic incidents had reached an all-time high at 3,600 incidents. That’s a 140% increase from just five years earlier.
- The organization called Stop Asian American Pacific Islander Hate documented over 11,000 incidents of harassment and violence against Asian Americans and Pacific Islagers between March 2020 and December 2023.
- In 2025 The Trevor Project found that LGBTQ+ youth currently face extraordinary levels of discrimination, with 45% seriously considering suicide in the past year due to hostile environments.
- A study by Georgetown University in 2022 indicates that 75% of employees in health care and in retailing—especially grocery stores—have been treated with disrespect and incivility on a regular basis. The same percentage believes that this is now the new normal, and to be expected.
- And a number of recent workplace incivility studies indicate that the vast majority of employees report experiencing rude or disrespectful behavior at work on at least a monthly basis.
These aren’t abstract numbers. These are our friends and neighbors, our colleagues and employees, our parents and children.
The impact of disrespect and incivility is real and serious. In the workplace, where many of us spend most of our waking hours, the levels of disengagement, depression, presenteeism, absenteeism, conflict and open hostility are now at deeply concerning levels. In fact, three years ago, at MIT’s Sloan School of Management, experts determined that a toxic work environment is ten times more likely to cause someone to quit than inadequate compensation.
Why Is This Happening?
So why does it feel like disrespect and incivility are winning now?
There’s no single answer, but let me offer several factors:
First, social media. We now have platforms that reward outrage and punish nuance. Algorithms amplify the most inflammatory content because it drives engagement. We can attack strangers from behind screens without ever seeing their faces or feeling the weight of our words. The distance encourages the cruelty.
Second, political polarization. Our politics have become tribal warfare. We don’t just disagree anymore, we demonize. The other side isn’t just wrong; they’re evil, threats, and enemies. And when you view your political opponents as enemies, treating them with genuine respect becomes almost impossible.
Third, economic anxiety and scarcity. When people feel like they’re fighting for scraps, when they’re worried about paying rent or going broke from healthcare expenses or keeping their jobs, fear takes over. Operating from a mindset of scarcity can quickly drive normally respectful people to be extraordinarily rude.
Fourth, the pace of change. Globalization, technological disruption, demographic shifts, everything is changing so fast. What was considered acceptable behavior in one generation or culture clashes with the expectations of another. We’re all navigating this together, and sometimes we’re navigating very badly.
Fifth, the normalization of incivility at the highest levels. When our leaders—political, business, cultural—model disrespectful behavior, when they mock, insult, and demean others, and then blatantly lie about what they said while facing no consequences whatsoever, it sends a message: this is acceptable. This is how we do things now.
“But It’s Always Been This Way”
Now, some will say, “Come on now, it’s always been like this. People have always been rude. This is nothing new. Why are we so sensitive?”
And yes, there’s truth there. Human beings have been disrespectful to each other since the dawn of civilization. Cruelty isn’t new. Prejudice isn’t new. Violence isn’t new.
But two things have changed:
First, the scale and speed of disrespect is stunning. A cruel remark used to reach maybe dozens of people. Now it can reach millions in seconds. A hate group used to organize slowly, in secret. Now they can mobilize thousands online overnight. Deliberate disinformation (remember the completely false claim that Haitian immigrants were eating household pets?) spreads much faster than the truth. So, if you already have no respect for a group, others disrespecting them publicly simply confirms our feelings regardless of the truth.
Second, we’re more aware. We’re more conscious now of what disrespect looks like and whom it harms than we’ve ever been. Thanks to social movements, investigative journalism, and yes, social media, we see injustices that previous generations were unaware of and could ignore. The disrespect was always there—certainly minorities and marginalized communities know this to be true—it’s just now in the spotlight more and we’re finally paying attention.
So, when someone says, “It’s always been this way,” I say: Yes. And that’s exactly why we need to change it.
Why Should We Care?
Now hold on a second. The cynics among us, including me, might ask “why should we care about respect and civility? Isn’t this just about hurt feelings? Don’t we have bigger problems?”
I would argue that disrespect is one of our biggest problems, and here’s why:
Disrespect destroys trust. And without trust, societies cannot function. We can’t cooperate. We can’t solve problems together. We can’t build anything lasting. Trust is the foundation of everything—our democracy, our economy, our communities, our families. Disrespect corrodes that foundation.
History shows us where this leads. When disrespect becomes normalized, when certain groups are consistently dehumanized, when cruelty becomes acceptable, that’s when atrocities become possible. The Holocaust didn’t start with gas chambers. It started with rhetoric that painted Jewish people as less than human. Genocide in Rwanda didn’t start with machetes. It started with media that called Tutsis “cockroaches.” The killing of an American protesting ICE doesn’t happen without members of the regime in power constantly disrespecting and dehumanizing the people who oppose them and their policies, calling them “radical leftist scum.” Likewise, screaming obscenities at ICE agents and calling them “murderers” and “Nazis” is very unlikely to be interpreted by anyone as respectful. Disrespect is the gateway to violence.
Disrespect makes us sick. Literally. Studies show that people who experience chronic disrespect suffer higher rates of anxiety, depression, heart disease, and other stress-related illnesses. Workplaces marked by incivility see decreased productivity, increased turnover, and lower morale. Disrespectful environments damage our physical and mental health and hurt the bottom line.
Our children are watching. What are we modeling for the next generation? When they see adults treating each other with contempt, when they see leaders mocking and insulting others without consequence—what lessons are they learning? We’re teaching them that might makes right, that cruelty is strength, that other people who are different from us don’t matter.
It matters because of who we are. For those of us whose moral code includes respect for human dignity, treating each other with respect isn’t optional. It’s foundational to building the kind of world we want to live in.
What Can We Do?
Here’s the good news: We have power. Each one of us. Right now. Today.
Create respectful spaces. Ensure our workplaces, our neighborhoods, even our homes, are places where respect is held collectively as the norm and disrespect is unacceptable.
Be an “Upstander,” not just a Bystander. Upstanders speak up when people are disrespectful; they learn and practice de-escalation techniques and have the knowledge and skills to deflect disrespect and get people to tone themselves down.
One of my favorite Upstander techniques, which I’ve found can be quite effective, is to acknowledge someone’s passion or upset. It goes like this: “I can tell you’re really upset. And — (always say ‘and,’ never ‘but’) — AND, I don’t think we can solve it or move forward like this. Would you do me the favor of allowing us all to take a deep breath, settle down and refocus?” I’ve found it works with most people—except of course a person who has lost all self control, or a sociopath who gets a kick out being disrespectful. In that case, don’t say a word, just get away from them however you can.
By the way, being an upstander isn’t easy. It takes a certain kind of calmness and courage, and a great deal of skill, especially these days.
Support Upstanders. When you see or hear Upstanders in action, don’t just pull out your cell phone and start recording, support them by saying, “He’s right, she’s right, they’re right,” and, “I agree with them,” or “We agree,” and repeat what the Upstander said.
Support organizations fighting hate. The Anti-Defamation League, the Southern Poverty Law Center, the ACLU, the Human Rights Campaign and other LGBTQ+ organizations, local immigrant rights groups—they all need our support either financially, or with our time and effort as volunteers.
Teach our children about respect. Model respect and talk about it explicitly with them. Help them navigate social media responsibly and teach them to be Upstanders or Supporters in ways that are safe.
Engage in civil dialogue across differences. I know it’s very hard right now, but seek out respectful conversations with people who disagree with you. Say, “I’d like to respectfully listen and understand.” Then listen deeply and accurately reflect back what you’ve heard without being judgmental or arguing. Try to understand before being understood.
Hold Leaders Accountable. Demand that our political, business, and cultural leaders model respectful behavior. Vote for people who treat others with dignity and civility. Support businesses that create respectful workplaces, what I call “Actively Respectful Cultures,” or ARCs. In our work at CRL we’ve been studying companies that have ARC’s and we found that Costco has an Actively Respectful Culture; it’s one of the primary reasons it’s so successful as a business.
Practice “Respectful Leadership” wherever we have influence—in our families, our workplaces, our volunteer organizations, our communities.
So, Has Disrespect Won?
Not yet.
But it could.
If we become numb to cruelty. If we shrug our shoulders and say, “that’s just how it is.” If we stay silent when we witness disrespect. If we give in to cynicism and despair.
But I don’t believe that’s who most Americans are. I don’t think that’s who we want to be.
I’ve found that respect is contagious. When one person starts treating others with genuine respect, others notice. They start doing it too. A culture can shift. It starts with individuals making the choice, again and again and again, to be respectful even when it’s hard, even when others aren’t, even when it would be easier to look away.
In my business fable, The Respectful Leader, I created a character called Grace, who works as the head of maintenance in a fictional manufacturing company. Early on in the story, when the new CEO was commanding, controlling and disrespecting everyone around him with disastrous results, she asked him: “How’s that ‘tough guy’ strategy working for you?”
It’s a good question for all of us. How’s the disrespect working for us? How’s the cruelty and contempt and incivility working for us as a society?
It’s not working. It’s tearing us apart.
We need a different way. And that different way starts with the simple, radical act of treating each other with respect.
So no, disrespect hasn’t won. Not as long as we refuse to surrender to it.
Every time you listen without interrupting, disrespect loses.
Every time you acknowledge someone’s humanity, disrespect loses.
Every time you treat people the way they want to be treated, disrespect loses.
Every time you stand up for someone being targeted, disrespect loses.
Every time you apologize sincerely for being disrespectful, disrespect loses.
Every time you respond to disrespect with respect, disrespect loses.
This is now our work as Americans who care about creating a nation that’s a true democracy, that welcomes everyone who wants to work hard, create a better life for themselves and their families, and contributes to our greater good. For some of us, this is our calling. Not because it’s easy, but because it matters.
The question really isn’t whether disrespect has won. The question is: What are we going to do about it?
