The Stress of Disrespect
Since February I’ve been on a national tour for my new book Restoring Respect, speaking at conferences attended by human resources and diversity, equity, and inclusion professionals. In the past seven months I’ve been, or I’m going to Virginia, Connecticut, New Jersey, Florida (twice!), Texas, Colorado, Utah, Ohio, Georgia, and half a dozen sites California. Phew!
This week I’m in Phoenix at the Society for Human Resources Management annual state conference where I’ve been enthusiastically welcomed and genuinely appreciated, just as I have everywhere else, which is truly heartening and terrific.
But I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I keep hearing the same sobering comments from conference attendees everywhere I go.
“Respect,” they keep saying, “We need a lot more of that right now.”
They’re not just talking about HR professionals, who are sadly not as respected as they should be. They’re talking in more general terms: about our society, our families, communities, and our workplaces.
If anecdotal evidence is of any indication, HR professionals all over the country are sensing a deep, pervasive, lack of respect in our country, and it’s only getting worse. In fact, they appear to be confirming what our research has been telling us for some time: that there is as much public disrespect and incivility going in America right now as there was during the height of the Vietnam war and the civil rights movement of the 1960’s. Possibly even more. And it’s bleeding over into our workplaces.
There are many, many reasons for this descent into disrespect, but they’re far too complex to lay out here. And there’ve been many authoritative articles and books written that are focused on why we’re in this state (here’s one I wrote for Forbes in 2021).
To sum it all up, many Americans are significantly stressed right now, still haven’t recovered from the trauma of the pandemic, and are being constantly bombarded by hate and derision in our social media feeds. We’re also in the middle of a massive political and legal firestorm, causing us to descend into dangerous tribalism, that is unprecedented in American history. To be honest, it’s stressing me out just writing about it!
There’s an old saying, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” And I agree. But given that I study respect, disrespect, and their impact on the workplace, I’ve modified that saying, “When the going gets tough, people get tough on each other.” In short, Americans are very stressed right now, and they’re taking it out on each other.
The result? Many just want to retreat, to block out whatever is going on in the world, perhaps in the vain hope that it will just go away. During my keynotes, I always ask my audiences, “How many of you are deliberately NOT looking at the news on your phone or TV news for extended periods of time?” At least half the hands go up every time. One apologetic woman said to me this week, “I think something happened in Maui a while ago, but I can’t tell you what it was. I just can’t take all the bad and sad news.” I get it.
I’m guessing that she’s not alone, that there are many HR professionals – people you would think needed to keep their ears to ground – who are so stressed out by what’s going on in our world, that they’re deliberately choosing to tune out – and who can blame them?
This begs the question: what the heck do we do about all this stress that provokes so much disrespect?
I wish I had a simple answer, I don’t.
But I do believe that we need to start by taking care of ourselves first before we can address the needs of others. We need to find ways to de-stress, to avoid burnout and overwhelm, and to put what’s happening into perspective and compartmentalize it (if we must).
Here are some tips: a fellow speaker here in Phoenix, Dr. Darryl Tonemah, a psychologist and expert on trauma, advised us to take six deep breaths (in through the nose and out through the mouth) and a cold shower (if you can) or apply an icy cold cloth to the face whenever we feel stressed, overwhelmed or on the edge of a panic attack. Good ideas! And he reminded us that there is no shame in asking for help, only regrets if we don’t.
To all my colleagues and friends in the HR world, I know this is not how you normally operate, but please take care of yourselves first before you turn your attention to taking care of others. As they say in the airline safety speech,
“Put your mask on first, before you help others with theirs.”
And once you do that, if you feel The Center for Respectful Leadership can be of help to you in helping others, please reach out to us. We’ll respond with respect.
